Locked In A Room With My Dark Passenger

When I decided to get gastric sleeve surgery I thought that my addiction to junk food would end. Boy, was I wrong.

I still am addicted to junk food. I crave pizza, sugary foods, Whoppers, cheesy fries, and so on. I do not crave healthy fruits and vegetables.

But even though I'm still addicted to junk food, I'm now physically unable to engorge myself on all the food that was making me fat in the first place. While this is good, it's like taking a crackhead and locking him in isolation so he can sober up. The man doesn't stop craving crack, he just doesn't have access to it anymore.

Drug addicts refer to the voice in their head that tells them to do the drugs their "dark passenger". My dark passenger has gone from being a powerful, commanding presence to one that whines and begs for a fix. He still has psychological power. But my body is simply unable to listen to him.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that that's not a happy experience. But I will have to learn to adjust to this new life.

As far as my weight loss goes, I hit a plateau after I lost 50 pounds. My weight hasn't budged since Monday. I talked to a friend who has also had the surgery and she said that's normal. I can expect to go a week or two without losing any weight, then lose 20 pounds overnight. I'd rather just see it come off a couple of pounds a day like I was the first few weeks after the surgery, but as long as it comes off I'll be happy about it.

I'm also back to work, which is why I haven't written in a while. I'll make it a point to write more. I want all of my experiences to be documented.

The Gym, Dicks, and Praying for Death

I woke up at 4 a.m. today. This isn't uncommon, as I have a job that requires me to get up for work at 4:30 in the morning, so my body is used to it.

After sitting around on the computer for about an hour-and-a-half, I decided to make a trip to the gym, damn my weight-lifting restrictions. I'm tired of the muscle loss that has been coming along with the fat loss. My workout was going to be light-just weight lifting-two sets of eight on each muscle group. In and out in 30 minutes.

I had to cut my workout short when I had a funny feeling in my stomach. I knew it was probably my muscles protesting being used for the first time in over a week, but I wasn't taking any chances. I had worked my abs, back, chest, and upper arms, so all in all it was a pretty thorough workout. I can finish the rest tomorrow, which is just legs and forearms.

After I got home, I decided to try some scrambled eggs to see if I could handle it. I had three of them, which was a huge mistake. I was doubled-over in pain for the next hour. I really need to learn to stop eating when I'm full. I made a Facebook post saying "If you try a new food after bariartic surgery, only eat in small amounts, otherwise you will be praying for a merciful death."

One of my friends who has had bariatric surgery warned me that I'd also get bad results eating spaghetti, so I'll avoid eating that for a very long time.

On the weight loss front, I've lost 45 pounds now. Not too shabby.

(I'll ask my family to avoid reading the rest of this. Okay, mom, I fucking warned you!)

I've now lost so much body fat that I can once again see my dick when I stand up. You have no idea how awesome that is unless you've actually been so fat that your gut actually overlaps your cock.

I Feel Fat...Did I Eat Too Much?

Have you ever been really hungry and made a food run that you regretted later? Let's say you're going out to a restaurant with your significant other, and feeling hungry, you order two appetizers to start. You gobble them down, get your main meal with all the add-ons, and when the waitress asks if you want dessert, you order one of those like a starving Ethiopian boy. And you also had two margaritas, because why the fuck not?

Two hours later, you're at home. You're hungry again. How in the fuck did you get so hungry? You don't know. But you're ready to go out with a spear in hand and slaughter your food hunter/gatherer style if that's what it takes. So you put some chicken wings in the oven and eat those.

You're not hungry anymore. You're extremely full. You probably ate somewhere between 3,000 and 4,000 calories in a few hours and you hate yourself. You promise yourself to go to the gym tomorrow and beat yourself up (and you do, because you really want this full feeling to go away).

That feeling that you have, where you feel like you ate too much food and your stomach feels distended, is what I've pretty much been feeling 24/7 as of the past few days. A few bites of cottage cheese, a couple pieces of broccoli, even a few swigs of any liquid are all it takes for me to feel stuffed. I keep asking myself "Did I eat too much? Why am I so full? I feel fat..."

Then I do the math and find that there's no possible way I'm eating more than 900 calories a day. And yet this day is the day I've eaten the most since the surgery.

My surgeon said that after two years, my stomach will finally be able to hold half of what I ate. I think about that as I'm feeling full so easily and it hits me:

I will never be fat again. Sure, I'm still fat now, but that's ending quickly. I'm losing about two pounds every day. I'm down 44 pounds now from my peak at 367. At the end of the first 90 days after surgery (when all restrictions on my eating and exercising will be gone), if I lose just an average of a single pound per day I will have lost 110 pounds. At 257 pounds, I will no longer be fat. Even if I could eat half of what I ate before the surgery, I would still only be able to eat, at best, 2,500 calories a day. If I exercise regularly, that would be more than enough to keep myself svelte, and even if I got lazy and didn't work out (fat chance), I wouldn't be consuming enough to make me fat, just unfit.

There's no going back. Damn, that feels good to know.

Why You Never Trust A Surgeon To Do Internal Medicine. Also, I've Lost 40 Pounds

I went to see my surgeon yesterday for my post-op appointment. He asked how I was feeling, so I told him I was feeling great (I am). He then looked at my medications. He noticed that I was still taking Glipizide (since most of my diet is G2, which contains enough sugar to make me hyperglycemic), but it was at 2.5 mg a day, the lowest dose a person can take.

"I want you off of that immediately", he told me. "That drug makes you fat."

Yeah, doc. It also creates insulin for my body to process sugar, without which I would die. I know eventually my body will be able to get rid of sugar on its own, but that day hasn't arrived yet. Until it does, I'm going to need my pills.

He was also insistent that I give up protein shakes as soon as I return to solids because they're "artificial food". Ugh. Yeah, doc. Because all the body-builders are getting fat off of that stuff. But the man is a total anti-GMO nutjob, so he swears up and down that unless it's non-GMO organic that it's all going to kill you.

Still, he's a damn good surgeon, and I haven't had any complications. You can be a good surgeon and not know jack about internal medicine. Just like I'm a good EMT and I don't know anything about internal medicine-it's simply not the area I'm trained.

But anyway, I'm cleared to go onto the next step of foods, which is light solids. So yesterday I ate some cottage cheese along with my protein shakes and G2. I've also been putting down applesauce, finger jello, and yogurt the past few days, so that makes me ready for step two, which is soft vegetables. This also puts me into the recovery diet phase I want to be in. My plan was always to drink 32 oz. of homemade juice, 60 grams of protein via shakes, and to fill the rest in with a single small meal. Now that I can eat vegetables, this is achievable. When I'm able to get back to the gym (next week, according to the doc), I plan on working on not just gaining back the muscle I've lost on this diet (which has been quite a bit), but I want to get completely ripped.

Speaking of what I've lost, I'm now down to 327. This is 40 pounds down as of three weeks ago, when I started the pre-op diet. I'd like to be 50 pounds down by the time I go back to work. Just a nice number to start with. :)

So, I Got My Period...

Yep. At least that's what my mom told me.

She asked me today if I was in any pain, and I told her it feels like a constant tight squeezing around my solar plexus. She then revealed that that's what a woman typically goes through once a month.

Thanks, mom. I already feel emasculated for not being able to lift more than 10 pounds or go driving on my own. Just toss another log on the fire!

That said, ladies, I'm sorry for every joke I've ever made in that department. This hurts like hell, and I'd hate to have to deal with it every month.

Anyway, my instructions in this stage of the post-op diet are to be on strictly liquids. I've been drinking G2 so I can get some electrolytes in and don't just flush all the salt out of my body. I still have to take some of my Glipizide to keep my blood-sugar levels under control, but barely an eighth of my old dose. My blood pressure has skyrocketed since the surgery, so I'm taking all sorts of meds for that as well. In a day or two, I'll start buying some fruit and vegetables to make freshly squeezed juice. It'll have a lot more nutrients than the sport drinks I'm consuming, which any nutritionist can tell you is typically shit in terms of health food.

The doc said that as soon as I can consume 64 ounces of clear liquids, I can start adding protein shakes. So after taking down 64 ounces of G2 I had one of my leftover Atkins shakes from my pre-op diet. They go down much easier than the sugar-water, and I was able to finish one in about five minutes (compared to the G2, which took about 16 hours). So much to my surprise, I'm ahead of schedule on when I'll be able to eat solid foods. This is a very good thing, as I don't want to eat nothing at Christmas dinner. Sure, I'll just be eating steamed veggies, but at least I'll be eating something.

Aside from the mild, chronic-pain in my solar plexus, the only real problem I'm having is the boredom. This surgery has knocked out every one of my vices (even the healthy ones like weight-lifting), and I'm very limited in what I can do with my daughter, so I've been finding myself just spending all my time on Facebook. I hate not being at work. I thought I'd like the time off, but I can't stand it. I need something to do.

I know my wife bought me a video game for Christmas. I asked her to give me one early, but she's swearing up and down that she didn't buy me one. Suuuuuure, honey. Babe, you can't lie worth a shit!

Anyway, if any other relatives bought me a video game and wouldn't mind parting with it now, when I'll actually have time to play it and won't be stuck in school and work between January and April, it'll be greatly appreciated. Please let me know, as I am bored as fuck right now.

In A Big World of Pain...

So the surgery is done.

I went in on Monday afternoon, and now it's done. And I'm in a world of hurt.

I spent the first few days just sleeping, not even watching T.V., making sure to avoid the internet. I didn't have the strength to post a blog entry.

They discharged me yesterday, with a follow-up appointment for my surgeon, whom I'm finding out that everyone in the hospital hates. Which is a relief for me because I always thought he was a bit of a douchebag. :)

I was hoping that this entry would be a lot longer, but it just hurts too damn much to type. I'm going back to bed.

I Need To Pee...

I've been on the all-liquid diet today. I'm really tired of having to piss.

Anyway, I haven't written in a few days because I've had to work. But I did my "last supper" on Friday, and it reminded me why I need this surgery. After the dinner, I not only found out that I've gained ten pounds (how the fuck I gained 10 pounds in a day, I don't know), but I felt like absolute shit the next morning.

And yet I ate the leftover pizza the next night, and woke up this morning with the same results.

There's numerous studies that show that people can be addicted to junk food in the same way that drug addicts crave drugs. I'm definitely in that boat. And since, unlike heroin, you need food to live, it creates a problem that, at least in my case, only surgery can solve.

So today I've been consuming nothing but liquid, in preparation for the big day tomorrow.

That's all for today.

Thirty Pounds! Yay!

First things first: A few of my friends on Facebook have said that they were having trouble posting comments. I went in under my "spam email" account and was able to post a comment before I deleted it after a couple of tries. So please, keep trying. I like hearing words of advice and encouragement from friends, especially from those that have been through this themselves.

I checked my weight this morning. Thirty pounds down! Woo-hoo! I am liking what I see when I look in the mirror. I'm sure I will like it even better after the surgery when I drop another hundred pounds. :)

As of today, I've decided that I'm going to go off the pre-op diet and eat some actual food. This doesn't mean eating a bunch of carbs-in fact, I've eaten extremely little in that department. But it does mean that I've ate chicken, and vegetables with a little more starch (peas). I did this because along with meeting my pre-op weight-loss goal, I have gotten tired of feeling lethargic and dizzy. I'm always tired and often struggle to stay standing for a long period of time. It also put me in quite a "mood" at work, a place where my ability to provide customer service is very important.

That said, I almost fell back into old habits once I got out of work. I started looking in the fridge for things to eat, stuff that I could justify shoving into my gullet hole. Aside from baby food, my fridge is pretty much empty, though (no need to go grocery shopping when all you eat are protein shakes and green beans). Upon looking at a jar of jelly I thought "Peanut butter and jelly is good for you, right? I mean, six year olds eat it". Thankfully common sense kicked in and screamed "NO! IT'S NOTHING BUT SUGAR, DUMBSHIT! GET YOUR ASS TO KROGER AND BUY SOME BROCCOLI!" So, I went to the store and bought some broccoli, along with a few other things for the family.

But now I'm wondering how things will go after the surgery when I'm able to eat without restrictions. Will I go back to the old habits and eat junk food just for the sake of eating? I came so close to slipping today and I haven't even started yet.

Speaking of slipping, tomorrow is what gastric patients often call their "last supper". After beating the ever-loving shit out of myself at the gym (I have a goal of creating a 2,000 calorie deficit), I'm going to buy some pizza and consume what will likely be my last slices with my family. A few days ago I planned to eat ALL the pizza, but now that I'm not starving to death I think I can manage some self-control. If not, I've been on enough diets to know that one meal won't break you. And if it does, I'll be making myself pay for it on Saturday. I'll also be having some alcohol, as it will be the last drink I can have for three months. The last time I went that long without drinking I was in Iraq!

That's all for today. Gotta get to bed.

Got A Little Dizzy For A Second...

Today I've been good on my diet. I wasn't even hungry most of the day. Before 6 p.m. I ate a bowl of green beans, and two protein shakes. Far less than what I was supposed to be eating, but I just wasn't in the mood for food.

But then at about 6 p.m. I started getting dizzy. I knew what was going on because I've experienced it plenty when I accidentally took too much of my diabetic medication. I was hypoglycemic. I couldn't find my glucometer to confirm it (I haven't used the thing since going on this diet)

Problem is, my diet is MEANT to be no-carb. I don't want to break my diet, and this all happened after my doctor's office was closed (of course it did, when the fuck else would it happen?!)

Fortunately we have this invention called the internet, in which you can get advice from other people who have been in the same boat. So after reading a few gastric bypass forums, most of the people who had the problem were told by their doctor to drink some milk or juice. So that I did.

When I get hypoglycemic, it never really helps to just eat sugar. I still feel dizzy for hours afterward. I was tempted to order out for some food or just go to Taco Bell to get some empty calories in me. But I stuck it out and three hours later I felt somewhat normal. I'm glad I did. I don't want to lose the benefits that come with being carb free. I'd have to go through the whole process of burning off my glycogen stores again, which is a miserable, mind-numbing experience.

I'm also another pound down today. Feeling good about that. And it's a big ego boost to see the weight coming off like it has. I like what I'm seeing when I look in the mirror. I'm still a fatty, but much less of one.

So I Went to The Doctor...

Today I had my last appointment with the surgeon before the big day. It went pretty smoothly. I had to watch a video showing all the stuff I'll be going through after the gastric sleeve is done, along with the types of foods I'll be able to eat. I also found out that I'm down another pound, which is nice.

The doctor told me that he expects me to drop to 240 pounds after a year, then my weight will go back up to about 260-270 pounds. I hope that's of solid muscle, because I'm expecting to lose a lot more weight than that. When I was in basic training with the Army, I was 227 pounds when I left and their diet and exercise wasn't nearly as extreme as what I'm about to do (it says quite a bit that Uncle Sam's efforts to turn me into a lean, mean, killing machine pale in comparison to what I'm about to go through :) ).

The doc also said that as far as exercise immediately after the operation, the record for most times made around the hospital floor is 20 in a day. Of course he probably didn't have a fat-boy who likes working out as much as I do. I'm planning on beating the shit out of that. It'll be easy enough. If I'm awake for 16 hours and walk a lap every half-hour, that's 32 laps.

There's another motivation to doing so well physically, too. I need to be back to work asap. I'm going to have to take two weeks off, and I can't afford to take off a single day more. The "vacation" will be nice as I've spent the last six months working anywhere from 48-84 hours in a single week, with most weeks having at least 56 hours. Even so, I work that many hours for a reason-I need the cash to support my family.

The only thing that really pisses me off about this doctor is that he's a major anti-GMO nut. If he were an internist and not a surgeon, I wouldn't see him based on that alone. He constantly talks about "chemically-processed foods" and stuff. If I wanted to be a smart-ass I could tell him about all of the chemicals that are in an apple, but I'm not interested in debating him on the merits of genetically modified food. So, like the religious people I sometimes have to work with, I just smile and nod and let it go in one ear and out the other.

I plan on losing 30 pounds by Friday, then having a "last supper". The way I see it, by Friday I should be safe to eat a little pizza provided I beat myself up at the gym properly before dinner. Saturday I'll eat normal but healthy food, then Sunday I have to go on the all-liquid diet to prepare for the big day on Monday. I'll have to stay faithful to my diet until then. No more eating meat to deal with the hunger. Just protein shakes and vegetables.

Twenty-Five Pounds Down!

I got a chance to weigh myself before heading into work today.

I'm down 25 pounds, for a total of 342 pounds.

Twenty-five pounds in less than a week! Woo-hoo!

It's been hell getting here, but I've done it so far. Still have a few more days to go, though.

The diet itself is awful. I'm constantly hungry, and I've noticed that my mood is changing as well. It seems I've been getting more aggressive. At first I thought it was anger, but it's not, really. I'm not really mad about anything in particular. I just notice that I'm more assertive. Kind of like how I was when I was in my early 20's. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. The past couple of days I've caved in and cheated, but not with carbs. It seems the common theme with all the pre-op diets I read on the internet is that they're like the Atkins diet on steroids. So I just eat some meat to help me feel less hungry. It's been working, and the pounds are still coming off. Today I ate a sirloin steak and eggs when I got out of work. It tasted great.

I've had to stay away from the salads for a while, due to my GI problems with them. So today I ate a can of green beans instead. It's strange how good they taste when you haven't had them in a long time. :) I would have ate a second can of them if I had brought it to work with me.

I have to see the doctor in the morning for my final visit before the surgery. I hope I remember to have all of my paperwork. Especially my FMLA paperwork. I'm going to need that to make sure I am still gainfully employed when I'm ready to go back to work.