On Masculinity, Part Three: The Difference Between Being Strong and Being Mean

A few months ago I was thinking of buying my oldest daughter a Cricket Rifle. For those that don't know, Cricket Rifles are rifles designed explicitly for youth shooting. They're single shot rifles that have multiple safety mechanisms that prevent negligent discharges. I went on YouTube to see reviews of the rifle, and it led me down a rabbit hole of young girls shooting guns. There was one video where a teenage girl was doing an awesome job of hitting targets in a two gun competition. I would link it if I remembered the video, but this was around six months ago, so I don't. However, I do remember one of the smart-ass comments saying something to the effect of, "Where's all the feminists at on this one?"

I replied to that comment. "Feminist dad right here. What now?"

The guy that wrote the OC didn't respond, but hoo-boy, were there many others who did. One of the more laughable ones was some rando that said something to the effect of, "You're a male feminist. That's the weakest thing a man can be." I really don't remember the exact wording. It was something like that. Calling me some "weak pussy" because I have this weird idea that men and women should be treated equally.

I responded to that comment. Once again I'm paraphrasing, but said something to the effect of, "I think it's funny that you're saying I'm weak, when you think the height of masculinity is to insult someone from a keyboard. There's nothing brave or manly about what you're doing. There's nothing manly about insulting someone when you don't have to risk getting your jaw broken. So once again I ask, 'Feminist dad right here. What now?'"

A few weeks ago I wrote an unintended sequel to my post On Masculinity The first post talked about a need for the left to start having a conversation about masculinity. What it means to be a man without the "toxic masculinity". The sequel was just me ranting, more or less, because I found the right's champions of masculinity to be pretty lacking. I didn't plan on making that post. I just did because I saw all of these weak right-wing males having discussions on masculinity when they have no business calling themselves men. These "men" confuse being mean for being strong.

I probably wouldn't have written the sequel if it weren't for that YouTube discussion. All these right-wing champions of masculinity, and they're nothing but boys pretending to be men.

It's no wonder that Trump is their king. Trump will insult grown men all day on Twitter, but to their faces he kisses their ass. Just look at how he is with Kim Jung Un. Loved to insult the man on Twitter all day. When Trump met him, he was as nice as Mr. Rogers. Trump couldn't say to Un's face what he said to him all the time online. And the right thinks that's manly and strong, since they also think the height of strength is to insult people on social media where they don't have to face real world consequences for their actions.

Since writing my first post, I've done my best to research what masculinity means without "toxic masculinity", and I've come up with the conclusion that wholesome masculinity is broken down into two separate groups:

1. Strength
2. Things that are culturally "guy things"

Now before anyone tears me apart on mentioning this, let me tell you that I'm not saying that any of this is exclusive to men. Like I said in my first post on masculinity, this isn't about rigid gender roles. Wholesome masculinity is about how we can express ourselves as men without toxicity. I personally know professional strongwomen who can outlift me. My karate instructor is a woman with a fifth degree black belt that I wouldn't fuck with on my best day. I know that there are plenty of women that are into culturally "guy things" such as sports, guns, cars, and such. While these aren't exclusive to men, they are things that we men love to use to express our masculinity in a wholesome manner.

Let's go over those two groups.

The first one is strength. The right equates strength with meanness. And that's really sad, because being mean is far from being strong. Sure, you can be strong and mean, but you can also be strong and kind. You can bench press 500 pounds and tell people that equal rights is bullshit, that the poor are just lazy, or you can bench press 500 pounds and be a supporter of equal rights and the working class.

Wholesome masculinity says that we use our strength to protect. We are strong men, and we use our strength to protect people weaker than us. I lift weights. I do martial arts. I shoot guns. I use my strength to protect people, and there's nothing that makes me feel more manly than that.

The second is things that are culturally "guy things". Yes, women can also like these things, but we men like to use them to express our masculinity. Things like cars, sports, and such.

Truth is, I don't care much for team sports. I'll root for my local sports team when they make the playoffs and have a decent chance at winning the championship. Otherwise, I don't care much. I never got into cars. I like combat sports like the UFC, but that's about it.

But I have incredibly strong opinions on grills. INCREDIBLY STRONG OPINIONS ON GRILLS.

I could post several rants on gas vs. charcoal grills. Even typing that fills me with a sort of rage. The rage that a man understands. Gas grills are the tool of the bourgeoisie. Real men know how to light up that charcoal. We'll set them coals on fire, wait until the white appears in them, and then cook our meat to perfection! We don't need propane! Hank Hill can fuck all the way off! Fuck you and your "propane and propane accessories", Hank!

Like I said, incredibly strong opinions on grills. Probably sounds unreasonable to a lot of people, but I will die on that hill.

Grilling and barbecuing is one of the ways that I like to express my masculinity. Since learning how to cook a few years back, I bought a couple of charcoal grills. There's something about firing up that charcoal, tossing on a set of baby back ribs, or some burgers, or hell, even hot dogs, that makes me feel manly af. After barbecuing a rack of ribs, I feel like Ozymandias. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!

I really think that most of the "men" on the right are a bunch of tryhards that are desperately seeking to compensate for their lack of masculinity. We on the left have a bit of an advantage there, because we're secure enough in our manhood to not be scared of doing or feeling things that might be perceived as feminine. As men, we're human beings, and there are times that we feel vulnerable. We get sad and depressed. We need help sometimes. Sometimes we like things that aren't considered masculine. It's okay to admit that. We on the left have the advantage of being able to admit that.

For example, my love for barbecuing is built out of my love for cooking. Cooking in the kitchen. You know, that thing that's traditionally considered "women's work". Well, my wife is a middle school teacher so she usually gets home late. So when she sees a new recipe she likes, she'll usually show it to me and I'll just tell her, "Just send the recipe to me on messenger. I'll try it out." She does, and I do.

I spent most of my twenties in the military, where we were taught that masculinity meant suppressing our emotions. Now that I'm damn near forty, being able to express my emotions, even the sad, cry-baby ones, feels fucking liberating. I'm a strong man who lifts weights, shoots guns, does martial arts, and can barbecue the fuck out of a rack of ribs. I'm also secure enough in my masculinity to take pride in my abilities as a chef, to admit when I'm not strong enough on my own, and brave enough to admit when I feel weak and need help.

The right doesn't know the difference between being strong and being mean. Between having wholesome masculinity and toxic masculinity. We on the left need to seize the opportunity to teach the difference. We know how to be strong without being mean. We know how to be men without being toxic. And we need to start teaching it.