Saturday, December 28, 2019

This Decade Was One Wild and Depressing Ride

I decided to sit down to my computer and punch out a summary of this decade. But fuck, where to even begin with this one?

If someone told me in 2010 we'd be ending this decade debating whether or not it's okay to punch a Nazi in the face, I would have thought you were batshit. But here we are.

We started out with The Great Recession. I started unemployed, as I had lost my job doing security at a car plant in December 2009. I was unemployed for a few years after that. Lost my faith in God. Eventually got a job, got pushed into a career I didn't really want but kind of had to take because not too many people were hiring in 2012. Had two kids. Had bariatric surgery. Ran a half-marathon. Started powerlifting. Got old. Pretty much all in that order.

Ten years ago I wrote for a liberal blog and I wrote a post that said, "This Decade Sucked". I complained about the economy and the music. I said that emo shouldn't have become its own genre. It feels weird that I hated emo then.

Now, I'm still going to be complaining about music and the economy. I wish I didn't complain about emo ten years ago, because now rock music isn't even on the top 40 stations. It's completely vanished from them. If you want to hear rock music, you have to listen to the stations specifically designated for rock music. The music industry is treating rock the same way we treated country music the past thirty years. And we're not seeing a lot of new artists, either. That's the scary part for those of us genuinely concerned about the future of the genre. Rock and roll might be on its last legs.

And the economy. Jesus Christ, the economy. If you want to wonder why ideologies on the far sides of the political spectrum got so popular, just look at the shit state of the economy. Fascism and socialism both grew because people are broke, pissed off at being broke, and want someone to blame. And no, I'm not doing a "both sides" bit. The leftists are correct. The rich are to blame. Fascists can eat all the dicks. It's not the fault of immigrants that you can't pay the rent. But I've often mentioned in leftist circles that we probably wouldn't be where we are if we were doing alright under capitalism. I probably wouldn't care so much that I was selling my labor if I was at least getting a decent rate of return on it.

I've talked a lot about depression since starting this blog, and I think that when people look back at this decade, they're going to say that it was a depressing one. One in ten of us has clinical depression. One in three of us will take an antidepressant at some point in our lives. We even have depression memes now, just so we can laugh at our pain.


We're broke. We're lonely. We're tired. We started out the decade that way, and we're finishing it that way.

This decade was depressing.

It's also been a wild ass ride. All throughout the world, people are pissed off and revolting against their governments. We have an actual neofascist in the White House, and he only got there because he was a C-list celebrity who ran on a campaign of shit talking and bigotry. We've had conspiracy theories out the ass. Social media has completely taken over our lives and it's got us in a constant state of sadness and rage!

And the technology! Holy shit, ten years ago it wasn't impossible to watch a t.v. show on a smartphone, but it was really fucking hard. You usually had to illegally download an MP4 from Torrent and then you could only watch it if you had a phone with a large enough screen. Now, television sets seem kind of quaint, and we're in the age of peak t.v. Even refrigerators run on wifi now. How crazy is that? There's rich assholes out there with $4,000 refrigerators that we can literally hack and cause all their food to spoil from a thousand miles away, and that technology will probably be in all our homes soon! 

This decade may have been depressing af, but at least it wasn't boring. It's been one wild and depressing ride.

Wednesday, November 6, 2019

The Strange Catharsis of 'Ok, Boomer'

Oh yes, I'm writing about this.

I'm not even sure if I'm a millennial or just on the ass end of Generation X. It really depends on who you ask. Growing up, I was told I was too young to be Gen X. Now, I'm told that I just barely made the cut. I don't know. I was born in 1981.

I've long debated politics on the internet for fun. At least fifteen years. But I have noticed that since around 2015, politics got really nasty. Some people that have researched the issue noticed that it happened right around the time that Gamergate started. I'd probably agree with this assessment, since it was about that time that things just got really shitty. Debating politics had always been fairly ugly, at least online, but it was around this time that the right started offending people simply to be offensive. "Go back to your safe space!", "Snowflake!", and "Aww, you triggered?" were common in the discourse. Racist memes started popping up. Talk about participation trophies. And among all of that, was a shit load of trash talking about millennials.

It wasn't just in the comment sections, either. Clickbait articles about how "Millennials are killing the [fill in the blank] industry" had become so common that they turned into a joke. All of it was related to how we weren't spending money. We would explain that it's a little hard to spend money that we don't have, but then we'd just get called "entitled" by some old asshole in the comment section that probably worked a union job and got to retire with a pension.

Yeah, we're called entitled for wanting to work a full time job and not be poor. To want to be educated without being in a mountain of debt. To want to be able to see a doctor without having to fork over large sums of cash. To survive. We want to have the basics to survive while working full time, and for that, we're called entitled.

One of the worst rants about millennials I heard was a guy who said that we can't afford to buy homes because we're spending money on avocado toast. Think about what that really means. We're being told that we can't afford homes because we're spending money on food. They're mad at us for eating! How fucked up does one have to be to think that's a reasonable thing to say?

The right's political discourse hasn't just been mean, but it's mean because they're trying to offend. Making you angry is the goal. If you're offended, they think they won. They're actively trying to be the biggest pieces of shit possible just for the sake of being the biggest piece of shit.

A while back some millennial noticed that most of the nasty things being said online were by old folks. Mostly people over the age of 40, but definitely older than 50. And so, "Shut the fuck up, Boomer!" entered the discourse on the left. The memes have been pretty nice.


It was a couple of weeks ago that the phrase "Ok, boomer", entered the discourse. Millennials can't take the credit on this one. Generation Z started this one with videos on Tik Tok.

And I'm grateful for it. "Shut the fuck up, boomer" was nice, but there's something so...great...about this two-word phrase. It feels good just to say when someone is doing their absolute best to be an asshole simply for the sake of being an asshole.

"What about black on black crime?"
"Ok, boomer."
"Just get a better job!"
"Ok, boomer."
"Your generation is so entitled!"
"Ok, boomer."

Those two words say it all. "Ok, boomer" just says, "Your ideas are old and outdated. You have no idea what today's working class is going through, and you never cared to know. You're being mean simply for the sake of being mean. Fuck you." Or as one meme put it:



Some of my friends on social media have said that they don't want to join in this because they don't want a generational divide and whatnot. That's fine, but I'm still going to do it for a few reasons:

1. The people you use this phrase on were never going to be reached. They are the ones that are mean for the sake of being mean.
2. I never saw it as a generational thing.

Like I regularly explain on social media, baby boomer is an age demographic. Boomer is a mindset. There's plenty of baby boomers that aren't boomers. You'll regularly see them at DSA meetings. They're often ex-hippies. Decent people who care about others. You might not agree on all their politics, but they are at least caring and kind people.

There's also boomers who are not baby boomers. Charlie Kirk and Ben Shapiro are millennials who are also two of the biggest boomers to ever have boomed. Depending on who you ask, Jacob Wohl might qualify for Generation Z. He's definitely a boomer. Fuck those boomer fucks.

A friend asked me to explain what a boomer mindset is, and I responded by saying:

Boomers are the types of people who see the working poor and just tell them to get a new job. They call the working class lazy and entitled. They say things like "all lives matter" and post minion memes. They think Clint Eastwood's character in Gran Torino is a role model.

It doesn't matter what your age is, if you do that shit, you're a boomer.

Now the phrase probably wouldn't be as cathartic if all these boomers weren't responding to it so angrily. So, so angrily. And it's making me giddy.

The past few days the internet has been flush with screenshots of tweets saying that "boomer is the n-word for old people!" and other shit like that. I used it against a boomer and he went on a long ass rant about how "MY GENERATION GAVE YOU EVERYTHING!", to which I responded, "Yeah, you gave us the worst recession since the Great Depression, low paying jobs, a crashed housing market, and a student debt crisis." I could've just responded by repeating, "Ok, boomer", and it would have been just as on point.

The same people who for years have been offensive simply for the sake of being offensive, who would tell us to "go back to your safe space" and whined about millennials being offended by everything, are completely losing their shit over two little words! It's glorious!

After years of trying to explain the plight of today's working class to them, only to have them say we're just not working hard enough, or that bigotry isn't real, or any amount of condescending shit that makes you wish you had the power to reach through their computer screen and choke the life force out of them, finding out that two little words can cause them to feel so emasculated and rebuffed feels pretty fucking good. And I am here for it.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

On Masculinity, Part Three: The Difference Between Being Strong and Being Mean

A few months ago I was thinking of buying my oldest daughter a Cricket Rifle. For those that don't know, Cricket Rifles are rifles designed explicitly for youth shooting. They're single shot rifles that have multiple safety mechanisms that prevent negligent discharges. I went on YouTube to see reviews of the rifle, and it led me down a rabbit hole of young girls shooting guns. There was one video where a teenage girl was doing an awesome job of hitting targets in a two gun competition. I would link it if I remembered the video, but this was around six months ago, so I don't. However, I do remember one of the smart-ass comments saying something to the effect of, "Where's all the feminists at on this one?"

I replied to that comment. "Feminist dad right here. What now?"

The guy that wrote the OC didn't respond, but hoo-boy, were there many others who did. One of the more laughable ones was some rando that said something to the effect of, "You're a male feminist. That's the weakest thing a man can be." I really don't remember the exact wording. It was something like that. Calling me some "weak pussy" because I have this weird idea that men and women should be treated equally.

I responded to that comment. Once again I'm paraphrasing, but said something to the effect of, "I think it's funny that you're saying I'm weak, when you think the height of masculinity is to insult someone from a keyboard. There's nothing brave or manly about what you're doing. There's nothing manly about insulting someone when you don't have to risk getting your jaw broken. So once again I ask, 'Feminist dad right here. What now?'"

A few weeks ago I wrote an unintended sequel to my post On Masculinity The first post talked about a need for the left to start having a conversation about masculinity. What it means to be a man without the "toxic masculinity". The sequel was just me ranting, more or less, because I found the right's champions of masculinity to be pretty lacking. I didn't plan on making that post. I just did because I saw all of these weak right-wing males having discussions on masculinity when they have no business calling themselves men. These "men" confuse being mean for being strong.

I probably wouldn't have written the sequel if it weren't for that YouTube discussion. All these right-wing champions of masculinity, and they're nothing but boys pretending to be men.

It's no wonder that Trump is their king. Trump will insult grown men all day on Twitter, but to their faces he kisses their ass. Just look at how he is with Kim Jung Un. Loved to insult the man on Twitter all day. When Trump met him, he was as nice as Mr. Rogers. Trump couldn't say to Un's face what he said to him all the time online. And the right thinks that's manly and strong, since they also think the height of strength is to insult people on social media where they don't have to face real world consequences for their actions.

Since writing my first post, I've done my best to research what masculinity means without "toxic masculinity", and I've come up with the conclusion that wholesome masculinity is broken down into two separate groups:

1. Strength
2. Things that are culturally "guy things"

Now before anyone tears me apart on mentioning this, let me tell you that I'm not saying that any of this is exclusive to men. Like I said in my first post on masculinity, this isn't about rigid gender roles. Wholesome masculinity is about how we can express ourselves as men without toxicity. I personally know professional strongwomen who can outlift me. My karate instructor is a woman with a fifth degree black belt that I wouldn't fuck with on my best day. I know that there are plenty of women that are into culturally "guy things" such as sports, guns, cars, and such. While these aren't exclusive to men, they are things that we men love to use to express our masculinity in a wholesome manner.

Let's go over those two groups.

The first one is strength. The right equates strength with meanness. And that's really sad, because being mean is far from being strong. Sure, you can be strong and mean, but you can also be strong and kind. You can bench press 500 pounds and tell people that equal rights is bullshit, that the poor are just lazy, or you can bench press 500 pounds and be a supporter of equal rights and the working class.

Wholesome masculinity says that we use our strength to protect. We are strong men, and we use our strength to protect people weaker than us. I lift weights. I do martial arts. I shoot guns. I use my strength to protect people, and there's nothing that makes me feel more manly than that.

The second is things that are culturally "guy things". Yes, women can also like these things, but we men like to use them to express our masculinity. Things like cars, sports, and such.

Truth is, I don't care much for team sports. I'll root for my local sports team when they make the playoffs and have a decent chance at winning the championship. Otherwise, I don't care much. I never got into cars. I like combat sports like the UFC, but that's about it.

But I have incredibly strong opinions on grills. INCREDIBLY STRONG OPINIONS ON GRILLS.

I could post several rants on gas vs. charcoal grills. Even typing that fills me with a sort of rage. The rage that a man understands. Gas grills are the tool of the bourgeoisie. Real men know how to light up that charcoal. We'll set them coals on fire, wait until the white appears in them, and then cook our meat to perfection! We don't need propane! Hank Hill can fuck all the way off! Fuck you and your "propane and propane accessories", Hank!


Like I said, incredibly strong opinions on grills. Probably sounds unreasonable to a lot of people, but I will die on that hill.

Grilling and barbecuing is one of the ways that I like to express my masculinity. Since learning how to cook a few years back, I bought a couple of charcoal grills. There's something about firing up that charcoal, tossing on a set of baby back ribs, or some burgers, or hell, even hot dogs, that makes me feel manly af. After barbecuing a rack of ribs, I feel like Ozymandias. Look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair!

I really think that most of the "men" on the right are a bunch of tryhards that are desperately seeking to compensate for their lack of masculinity. We on the left have a bit of an advantage there, because we're secure enough in our manhood to not be scared of doing or feeling things that might be perceived as feminine. As men, we're human beings, and there are times that we feel vulnerable. We get sad and depressed. We need help sometimes. Sometimes we like things that aren't considered masculine. It's okay to admit that. We on the left have the advantage of being able to admit that.

For example, my love for barbecuing is built out of my love for cooking. Cooking in the kitchen. You know, that thing that's traditionally considered "women's work". Well, my wife is a middle school teacher so she usually gets home late. So when she sees a new recipe she likes, she'll usually show it to me and I'll just tell her, "Just send the recipe to me on messenger. I'll try it out." She does, and I do.

I spent most of my twenties in the military, where we were taught that masculinity meant suppressing our emotions. Now that I'm damn near forty, being able to express my emotions, even the sad, cry-baby ones, feels fucking liberating. I'm a strong man who lifts weights, shoots guns, does martial arts, and can barbecue the fuck out of a rack of ribs. I'm also secure enough in my masculinity to take pride in my abilities as a chef, to admit when I'm not strong enough on my own, and brave enough to admit when I feel weak and need help.

The right doesn't know the difference between being strong and being mean. Between having wholesome masculinity and toxic masculinity. We on the left need to seize the opportunity to teach the difference. We know how to be strong without being mean. We know how to be men without being toxic. And we need to start teaching it.


Tuesday, October 15, 2019

My New Workout Plan, and Some Criticism of Starting Strength

Well, let me start this entry off by saying that I thought I was supposed to go into work tonight. Turns out that wasn't the case, so after I drove my ass home, I decided I'd get to work on a post about my new workout plan.

You'll probably notice that I haven't written much about fitness lately, and there's a reason for that. A few months ago, I broke one of my big toes in a stress fracture. I could barely walk without intense pain because of it, so I wasn't hitting the gym. I wasn't doing much of anything. Just laying around, waiting for my broken toe to heal up so I could be active again.

Some of you might laugh and say, "Oh, you broke your big toe? How tragic!" Yeah, you can fuck off. I'm not 17 anymore, and I don't heal from a broken toe after a few days. Hell, it still hasn't healed fully and I'm hitting the gym anyway.

Anyway, after sitting on my ass for two months I finally decided to hit the gym again. I also started doing karate again before the injury, so I started going back to the dojo, too. I went back on my old reliable Starting Strength routine to create a baseline for strength before I ended up on my current workout, which I had planned on starting long before my injury.

After about six weeks of being on Starting Strength, I felt like I was starting to max out on the plan well below my previous best lifts. I'm not entirely sure why that happened. I'm guessing that it's because I'm getting older. After being about thirty pounds below each of my best lifts, I started to plateau. Instead of being stubborn and trying to push through until I reached maybe another ten pounds on each lift, I cut my losses and began the new workout routine.

Enter Functional Fitness!

I had heard about functional fitness about two years ago, when Alan Thrall, a YouTube strongman, thoroughly had his ass kicked while trying to do one of those types of workouts with a gym called Real World Tactical. Here's the video on that:


The title says it all. The workout nearly killed him.

So I had wanted to do a functional fitness workout for a while after seeing that, and after doing some searches on The Google, I found this one to be the most gym friendly. It has four days of full body workouts, but the goal is different on each one. The first day is strength, the second is hypertrophy, the third is power, and the fourth is speed.

On week one, I finished day one without much difficulty. The strength workout sort of mirrors what you'd do in Starting Strength. Mostly sets of five reps, although more sets than the average Starting Strength routine. I was sore as fuck afterward, but not more than usual after a good workout.

It was after that that I saw the Hypertrophy plan and said to myself, "Dear God, what have I done?"

I know that screenshot is posting a little light, so if you're having trouble seeing it, hit the link above (it's hyperlinked as "this one") and look at Day Two.

I posted that screenshot to Facebook and my friends were pretty much a big collective of "lol, nope!" on that routine. I don't blame them. I was dreading it myself.

Still, I managed to finish it against all odds, and finished the rest of the workouts during the rest of the week.

I'm now on the fourth week of the program. The program is supposed to last ten weeks. So here's the results so far:

As far as strength goes, I'm not certain as to whether or not that's improved. Because I knew I'd be lifting more reps than the Starting Strength plan, I started off lifting fairly light. I started doing 185 pound squats and 185 pound Romanian deadlifts. I'm now up to 205 on each, even though I've squatted 235 and deadlifted 265 before I began the program.

The biggest results I've seen so far are in my muscular endurance. I've written very briefly on muscular endurance in my post Achieving Greatness (on a Budget). Basically, muscular endurance is your body's ability to take a beating and drive on. On that note, I've improved greatly.

So yeah, my muscular endurance has improved, so where's my criticism of Starting Strength?

Starting Strength has its name for a reason. It's not called "Starting Endurance" or "Starting Speed" for a reason. It's not meant to improve any of those. It's meant to improve your strength.

And for that reason, I'm thankful for the program. Without it, my lifts would all still be in the high 100s and not the 200s or even the 300s (like my best squat and deadlift). I found new strength because of this program.

But as I did that program, I noticed that the other parts of my fitness began to wane. I wasn't able to run as fast I used to. I certainly didn't have the endurance that I once had. I was able to lift more weight in five rep sets, but that was about the only physical improvement I felt.

Starting Strength is called "Starting Strength" for a reason. It's a beginner program, meant to get you to a certain level of strength that you didn't know you were capable of, before you move onto better things. It will make you damn strong. Like, really strong. Stronger than you'd be able to do with your average bodybuilding or weightlifting plan. But it's not good for building any other type of athleticism.

So if you're new or relatively new to the weightlifting game, Starting Strength is fantastic. Once you plateau on that, you'll want to decide where you want your fitness journey to go.

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

On Masculinity, Part 2




In my last post about masculinity, I warned about the left's reluctance to have a conversation on masculinity, saying:

 This needs to be said, because the right is having this conversation, and if I, a 37 year old feminist man is wondering what it means to be a man without toxic masculinity, I can guarantee that there's 17 year old boys that are asking themselves that. And if Roosh V, Jordan Peterson, and the Proud Boys are the only ones willing to have this conversation, we're going to have another generation of misogynistic, angry, and mentally unhealthy men to contend with.

I said that nearly a year ago, and since then, I've seen the right all too willing to have that conversation. Except, something has changed in that time. And I'm downright mad about it.

A little over a week ago, this pic of a right-wing nutjob by the name of Jacob Wohl started making the rounds on Leftbook:

I think a certain part of me snapped while reading that. Here I am, a 38 year old veteran of two wars, a past member of the United States Army, a man who lifts weights and shoots guns on the regular, who can pound back any liquor that you put in front of him, and this 90 pound pipsqueak has the fucking nerve to lecture me on masculinity?!

Hello, all of the right! Is this your champion? Come pick up your kid from the Wal-Mart service desk!

I did some research on Wohl, and it turns out that he just turned 21 this year. That means that he was just 11 years old in 2009 when I just started facing the Great Recession, and only 8 years old when I returned from Iraq. This fucking child is going to try to lecture me on manliness? LOL!

I know I posted an entry on the need for the left to start talking about masculinity or the right will, but so far the right's champions are fucking lacking in masculinity. I'm mad as hell about this, so I'm going to drag a few of the right's leaders on the subject.

This leads me to the right's next two heroes of masculinity, Jordan Peterson and Ben Shapiro. Let's start with the first guy.

Are you kidding me? This is the guy that became famous because he was scared of transgender people, who wrote a book telling boys how to act like men, and he sounds like Ned fucking Flanders when he speaks:


I don't need to take lessons on masculinity from Ned Flanders.

Recently, it became revealed that Peterson had started a diet in which he only eats meat to prove his manliness. For most of us, we know that that's just compensating. Really masculine guys don't need to say that we only eat meat (we don't, vegetables are plenty healthy). Those that claim to do so, we know that they're just scared of us seeing them for the lack of masculinity that they have.

That leaves us with this last asshole. Ben fucking Shapiro.

Look, if I'm ever going to take lessons on masculinity from someone, it's not going to be from someone that argues for a living, and then cries when someone tries to get physical with them. Ben Shapiro wrote an article in 2017 on masculinity in which he said:

But in their effort to eradicate the destructive male tendency, the Left has pushed emasculation as a solution. While they champion the notion that women can do anything they set their minds to (true!), they simultaneously castigate men as the barriers to progress and masculinity as a condition to be avoided. The goal of the Left, therefore, becomes to train boys not to become men. Instead, boys should be feminized; they should never be encouraged to “be a man.” That’s too pressure-filled, too nasty, too mean.

We really haven't. Seriously. I'm a male strong af feminist. AMA, and I'll tell you that I don't push emasculation on anyone.

But Ben Shapiro really isn't someone that should be pushing the ideas of masculinity on anyone. He's a tiny, weak man who writes articles and gives arguments instead of providing examples of what a masculine man would look like. He can't do it because he's a tiny candy ass that doesn't lift. I bet he doesn't even know how to use a charcoal grill. He's not a man. He's a boy in his 30s.

I will write another article on masculinity eventually in which I talk about wholesome masculinity; what it means to be a strong "manly man" without having to be an asshole. But for now, I just really had to call this bullshit out. I'm damn tired of the right raising up as their champions of masculinity those that I can rip apart like paper. If I can tear you in two, I sure as fuck don't want to hear your definitions on masculinity and manliness. Join a gym, assholes.

Wednesday, June 26, 2019

This Post Talks About Kids and Psychedelic Drugs

Well, we're just about wrapped up on discussing Johann Hari's book, Lost Connections. I still strongly encourage anyone that's been following this series to get the book. If you don't have enough money to buy it, hit up your local library. It's a very good book.

Chapters 13 and 20 will be discussed here. In chapter 13, Hari put two reasons for depression in one chapter. Genetics, and changes in the brain.

If you suffer from depression and anxiety, you've probably asked yourself, "Am I broken?" I've often asked myself that when wondering why I was depressed. I've had friends and family members talk to me about their depression and ask that. What we really mean is, "Am I just genetically predisposed to suffer from depression and anxiety?" And the answer is, well, kind of.

We're not actually broken. As I've written already and as Hari's book discusses in detail, we have perfectly good reasons for being depressed. Very legitimate reasons. Yet there is two factors that can make us more predispositioned for depression and anxiety.

The beginning of Chapter 13 discusses a concept called "neuroplasticity". Neuroplasticity is the brain changing over time as new experiences happen. Hari interviewed a neuroscientist named Marc Lewis about the concept. To quote:

If you look at a brain scan of a depressed or highly anxious person, Marc explained to me, it will look different from the brain scan of somebody without these problems. The areas that relate to feeling unhappy, or to being aware of risk, will be lit up like Christmas tree lights. They will be bigger, and more active.

Basically, if you do suffer from depression and anxiety, your brain is wired for it.

I can relate to this big time. I once told my therapist, "One of the perks of having General Anxiety Disorder is that you're always preparing for the worst case scenario." I said that completely unironically. My wife and I had signed up to National Debt Relief about six months prior because we were in debt up to our eyeballs, and they asked us if we wanted to pay an upcharge to keep a lawyer on retainer in case one of our creditors decided to sue us. Of course I did. I prepared for the worst case scenario. And then one of the creditors did. Good thing we paid for that lawyer, as he got that shit settled quick.

I'm always preparing for the worst case scenario, because having depression and anxiety has my brain hard wired to always be scoping out threats. When you suffer from those, your brain is in constant survival mode. Detect the threat. Prepare to defend against the threat.


It's kind of ironic that in those moments, anxiety feels less like a burden and more like a warm blanket.

The other part of chapter 13 talks about the genetic component of depression. When I saw that there was a genetic link to depression and anxiety, I was, to put it mildly, alarmed. My oldest daughter has shown symptoms of extreme anxiety, and not just in a "kids being kids" way. There's times when she expresses fear in a "this is not normal, even for a six year old" manner. And come to think of it, my parents have suffered from depression. My dad's medicine cabinet is full of pretty much every anti-depressant on the map. From what my parents have told me, my grandparents likely suffered from depression. But it's not that simple. A group of scientists did study the genetic component of depression and anxiety and, to quote:

Years into their work, they found something striking. They discovered that having a variant of a gene called 5-HTT does relate to becoming depressed.                                                                                                                                                                                   Yet there was a catch. We are all born with a genetic inheritance-but your genes are activated by your environment. They can be switched on, or off, by what happens to you. And Avshalom [the leader of the team of scientific researchers conducting the study] discovered-as Professor Robert Sapolsky explains-"that if you have a particular flavor of 5-HTT, you have a greatly increased risk of depression, but only in a certain environment." If you carried this gene, the study showed, you were more likely to become depressed-but only if you have experienced a terribly stressful event, or a great deal of childhood trauma.

So there is a mental component to depression, but it's only activated as a result of the perfectly good reasons why you're depressed or anxious.

So how do we deal with this? Well, according to the book, by doing lots and lots of drugs!

I'm kidding, but not really.

Ronald Griffith is a man that rose through the ranks of psychology and has become a veritable god in the field. After trying to find studies on meditation (more on that later), he found that there were studies done in the 50s and 60s on the effect of hallucinogens that caused people to not only be less depressed, but also quit smoking and drinking. The studies ceased after that, because, well, President Nixon. But in the 1990s, Dr. Griffith had enough political clout to try it again. He decided to do experiments with patients under the influence of psilocybin, the chemical in magic mushrooms. The patients were placed in a room under the supervision of a medical professional, and given the drug. The effects were magical.

Like I keep saying, get the fucking book and read it (Lost Connections by Johann Hari, at your local library if you can't afford to buy it, otherwise it's literally anywhere books are sold), because the results were spectacular, and the experiences detailed in the book are far too long for me to quote. Yet the patients had their anxiety replaced by a feeling of deep connection to people and their emotions.

When I read about this, I did look into where I could have this same treatment. Do drugs, end your depression. I found one retreat out in California that cost thousands of dollars to attend, not including travel costs. So that's out.

So what can we do? That's where meditation comes in.

Or I should say, real meditation. Meditation exercises are pretty much everywhere these days, and a lot of it is just bullshit made to collect your money. Back when I worked at the oil refinery, I would listen to a meditation app on my phone that did nothing but have me doing some breathing exercises. For $5.99 a month, some asshole told me to "breathe in, breathe out" for ten minutes a day and it didn't do a thing. I was still depressed and hated my job.

Hari's book mentions two types of meditation. The first is "loving-kindness meditation". If you're the type of person that hates people out of envy, this is a good exercise for you. Just close your eyes, think of someone that you're envious of, and instead of thinking hateful thoughts, focus on thinking positive thoughts about the person. Do it for five minutes at a time, every day. After a while, you'll notice that not only are you happier, but you're also liking people a lot more.

The other is deep meditation, which does mimic the effects of being on magic mushrooms. One of the patients that had taken shrooms in the experiment given by Dr. Griffith ended up becoming a meditation coach because he knew that the psychological effects of taking the drug were temporary, and he wanted to continue having the mental state that he had after doing the experiment.

I've been trying to find a deep meditation coach ever since reading Hari's book, and it's not an easy task. I live in Southeast Michigan, where 2/3rds of the population lives, and finding pretty much any other thing is easy to find here. Yet finding an actual deep meditation coach, as opposed to a bunch of con artists, is hard. I'll still keep looking, though.

Well, this wraps up my series on Lost Connections. I might do a conclusion post in the days ahead to sum up everything in his book and my last few posts. There's also a lot of stuff I really want to write about if I can get the time. Either way, thanks for reading!

Tuesday, June 11, 2019

One Thing We Can Do For Ourselves

This post is going to be discussing chapter 11 of Lost Connections. Cause Six: Disconnection from the Natural World.

A little over a year ago, I got sacked from my job working security at an oil refinery in Southwest Detroit. I didn't know it at the time, but it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Getting fired sucks, and I didn't take it well even though I hated the job. The main reason why I hated the job was the area itself. For miles around, all you saw was urban decay. The heavy industrialization of the area took its toll on the environment. You saw nothing but concrete, and the nearby River Rouge was so polluted that it didn't even look appealing. You certainly couldn't swim in it. Not unless you wanted to die a horrible death from cancer.

That environment took a toll on the employees of the refinery. Everyone was miserable there (I imagine they still are). That made management hard to deal with. Much of middle management would take their hatred of the area out on the workers. So the combination of a shit environment with shit bosses made the whole job a shit job.

Thinking back on how awful that job was, I'm tempted to ramble on about it. But this is about Johann Hari's book, and not my old shit job.

In this chapter, Hari interviews Isabel Behncke, an evolutionary biologist. In order to get the interview, Isabel made Hari climb a mountain with her. Hari did not want to climb a mountain-he's a city boy through and through-but he wanted the interview, so off he went. The chapter ends when they've finished climbing the mountain:

The cruelest thing about depression, she said, is that it drains of you the desire to be fully alive as this-to swallow experience whole. "We want to feel alive," she said. We want it, and need it, so badly. Later, she said: "Obviously, we were facing death, but you felt alive, right? You might have been horrified-but you were not depressed."                           No. I was not depressed.

Isabel studied bonobos for many years. She first studied them in zoos, and realized she'd have to go to a war-torn part of the Congo to study them outside of captivity. She found that when the bonobos were not in captivity, they sometimes would get depression. Like many primate societies, there's always a few members of the tribe that face ostracization, and those would show signs of depression. Yet, they only showed depression to a certain point.

In the wild, for bonobos, there's a limit to how far this depression goes. It's there-especially for the low-status ones-but there is a floor below which the animals won't sink. Yet in zoos, it seemed the bonobos would slip further and further down, in a way they never would in the wild. They would scratch until they bled. They would howl. They would develop tics, or start rocking obsessively. In their natural habitat, she [Isabel] never saw the bonobos develop this "full-blown, chronic depression," she says, but in zoos, it was quite common.

This chapter of Hari's book cites several studies that show the link between being away from nature and depression. One that really captured my attention was one that wasn't discussed very much, but gave a shout out to Michigan. Namely, the Jackson State Prison. Those of us that live in Michigan know that if you done fucked up bad, that's the prison you're going to. It's underdone different names and rebuilding over the years, yet it houses Michigan's most violent offenders. One thing that was noticed in a study done on mental health in that prison was that on one side of the prison, inmates can look outside of their cells and see farmland. On the other side of the prison, inmates see a concrete wall. When all other factors were accounted for, those that were on the side that saw the farmland had a 25% rate of decrease in mental and physical health problems.

One of the things I noticed about Hari's book is that there is no chapter on reconnection associated with this. Probably because the solution to this is simple: Get your ass outside. It would be hard to write a whole chapter just telling people to get their ass outside. While most of the problems with depression outlined in Lost Connections talks about a need for a collective solution, this is one that we can handle on an individual level. Go outside. Get in touch with nature.

One of the perks of my new job is that it has an impressive amount of vacation pay, and unlike every other job I've had that promised vacation pay, you don't have to wait a year to get it. A certain amount of hours are accumulated in every paycheck. So next month, I'll be going camping with my family in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. My wife and I love going up there. We've taken three vacations up there, including our honeymoon. Because of how security companies have done me in past employment, this will be our first vacation in six years. And like I said in my post Wanting Stuff Makes us Depressed, we really miss tent camping, so instead of taking the camper, we're taking a tent. I was discussing the UP with one of my coworkers who had never been up there and asked, "You know what's in the UP that makes it so great?" He answered no and I responded, "NOTHING! THERE'S NOTHING UP THERE, AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO GREAT! It's nothing but trees! You go up there, you unplug, and you enjoy yourself!" My wife and I are geeking out about our vacation next month where we'll see a whole bunch of nothing. Nothing but nature. We're going to see the Painted Rocks, make our third trip to Tahquamenon Falls, and visit a bear sanctuary. A whole bunch of nothing but nature, and we're thrilled about it.

One of the few things we can do for ourselves to fight depression is to get back in touch with nature. Get your ass outside. Go hiking. Go camping. Go ice fishing if it's cold. Or ice skating if that's your thing. Just get your ass outside.

Wednesday, May 29, 2019

Why Fixing this Shit Will be Hard

This latest post is going to be discussing chapters 10, 15 and 16 of Johann Hari's book, Lost Connections.

In chapter 10, Hari talks to a scientist named Robert Sapolski, who studied baboons in their natural habitat. Baboons have a hierarchical structure, and for the males, the strongest is on top. At the top of the troop of baboons he studied, there was Solomon.

Solomon was allowed to do whatever he pleased. He could take food from the other baboons, kick them out of the shade when it was hot and take the spot for himself, etc. At the bottom of the troop was Job. Job would have stress related seizures. His hair would fall out from stress. And as Solomon was allowed to do whatever he wanted to any baboon, it was permitted that the baboons could do anything they wanted to Job. And they did.

One of the tasks Dr. Sapolski had to do for his research was hit a baboon with a tranquilizer dart and draw their blood. The blood was tested for many things, including cortisol, the stress hormone. Solomon rarely had high levels of cortisol, while Job was filled with it.

Humans are the same way. To quote the book:

Some human cultures (like the United States) have very large gaps between the people at the top and the people at the bottom. In thos places, there is a small number of Solomons at the top, and most people are left like Job at the bottom. But other human cultures (like Norway) are quite different-with highly equal ways of living, where the top and bottom are close together. In those cultures, there are hardly any Solomon and hardly any Jobs-most people live in a middle zone, like Numbers 10 to 13 in the baboon hierarchy

And when sociologists did similar research on human societies, the results were similar to the study of baboons. When there's a high amount of inequality, there's a high amount of anxiety and depression. Lower amounts of inequality lead to less amount of anxiety and depression. The book states, "When the status gap is too big, it creates 'a sense of defeat that you can't escape from.'"

The book (and my previous posts) have discussed the solutions to this problem. Destroy the hierarchies. Create a system where all people have their basic economic needs met. Democratize the workplace. It should be easy to create this system, but it's not. Why? Well, that's where Solomon comes in.

Solomon rarely had high levels of cortisol when his blood was tested. Rarely. But when he did, it was when another baboon went gunnin' for that #1 spot. "It turned out-when his blood samples were tested-that when there is a war on for the position of alpha male, the most stressed baboons are the ones at the top", the book states.

Solomon's power was eventually challenged by a young baboon named Uriah. It took almost a year, but eventually Uriah took the top spot and Solomon ended up being number 9 in the hierarchy. All the other baboons that he had spent years fucking over enjoyed their sweet revenge until Solomon left the troop and never came back.

Just like the study with baboons, humans are the same way. Those on top get very, very stressed at the thought of losing their position within the hierarchy. And they're very, very invested in keeping their spot at the top of it. So much so, that according to the book, the thought of losing their spot in the hierarchy creates even higher levels of cortisol than those who live at the bottom of it.

We're a nation of hierarchies. Class hierarchies, racial hierarchies, patriarchal hierarchies, and so on. And people are scared of giving up their spot in one of those hierarchies, even if it'll make their life better. LBJ said it best when he said, "If you can convince the lowest white man he's better than the best colored man, he won't notice you're picking his pocket. Hell, give him somebody to look down on, and he'll empty his pockets for you."

So what can we do about that? Well, chapters 15 and 16 help to give an answer.

Chapter 15 tells a story about a housing project in Berlin in 2011. Gentrification had raised the rents in the area, and one elderly woman was about to face eviction. Knowing she'd be homeless, she decided she would commit suicide. She posted a sign on her window saying she would.

This gave the community the kick start they needed to organize. The community didn't get along very well. It was filled with the outcasts of society-Turks, gay people, leftists, Muslims, etc. And they all had mostly segregated themselves in that neighborhood because of prejudice.

And I really hope that those reading my post get this book (even if you don't have money to buy it, find a local library and check it out), because I can't quote this chapter enough to explain how goddamn glorious this protest is. I can only sum it up by saying that all these people that had long been suspicious of each other, started not only working together, but liking each other. To quote:

"It wasn't a straight line toward greater tolerance. It had zigs and zags. 'Everyone should do what they want, so long as they don't try to convert me' Nuriye [the woman who posted the sign] told me. 'I'm not sure how I'd react if my children said they were gay-I don't know.' Sudblock [the local gay bar] offered to sponsor the Turkish teenage girls' soccer team. Their parents said it was a step too far-to put the name of this gay club on their daughters' jerseys.
One day, long into the protest, Richard Stein [the owner of Sudblock] was in his bar when one of the conservative Turkish residents-a woman who wears the full niqab-gave him some cakes. He opened the box. Out of icing, on top of one of them, she had made a little rainbow flag.

Chapter 16 follows up on this story. Reconnection One: To Other People, is the title of the chapter. The opening chapter says in part:

 In most parts of the Western world, Nuriye would have been told there was something wrong with her brain chemistry. So would everyone else in Kotti. They would have taken their pills and stayed alone in their little apartments until they were thrown out and scattered. I never felt more keenly that this story was wrong than at Kotti. They taught me that when people rediscover each other, problems that previously seemed insoluble start to look soluble....
What solved their problems? It seemed to me it was other people standing by their side, committed to walking on the path with them, finding collective solutions to their problems. They didn't need to be drugged. They needed to be together.

Fixing this shit will be hard, but if we're to do so, we need to find common ground by going out and talking to people. Not on Facebook, or other social media platforms, because we're at our worst there. We need to actually go out, and talk to people.

I work in private security. It's the only civilian job I've had in two decades. I didn't really choose this to be my career, but it was more or less forced on me. I started doing the job because they offered $7 an hour when the minimum wage was $4.25. Then I got home from Iraq in 2006 when we were just about to hit another recession and the only industry that would take me in was private security once again. I was unemployed by 2009 and in 2012, the only job I could get was, once again, private security. I've been doing that ever since. I make this point because private security isn't exactly a career path that one chooses if they're a leftist. My profession is filled with, to put it lightly, those right of center. Or, to put it more accurately, filled with reactionary assholes.

At my current job, that's not any different. I'd really like my current job if many of my coworkers weren't reactionary shitbags. But it's actually forced me to talk to these reactionaries in real life, instead of arguing them on social media. And that's where everything above that I've talked about comes in.

One of my co-workers is Pat. I argue politics with Pat on a regular basis. I have to keep it civil when I argue with Pat, because he's a Sergeant, so I have to tread very carefully with my words. He is, after all, middle management, so I can't insult him directly when we debate. He really likes Trump. He's also dropped the occasional racist or homophobic remark that I've called him out on. He's in his late 50's, so his casually racist and homophobic remarks are that of the stereotypical boomer. I imagine that if we were strangers on Facebook in a comment section, I'd find one of his comments towards minorities and proceed to rip him to shreds. But this isn't Facebook. This is real life. And despite his occasional comments, he's also very compassionate and professional in his dealings with minority patients.

And here's the real kicker: Like many in my profession, he's a retired cop. Not just a retired cop, but he was the president of his local police union when he was a cop.

Pat's right-wing on most issues, but when you bring up the topic of labor unions, he is Che Guevara. He is Walter Reuther. He is Bill Heywood. He is so goddamn leftist that during one of his rants on the need for labor unions, I held out a fist and said, "Are you ready to join me in the revolution, comrade?!" Of course he responded in the negative.

The security personnel in my company aren't unionized. And I haven't made any attempt to change that because my experience with organizing workers is, well, horrid (in this month of Facebook memories, I've seen my past attempts to organize get completely steamrolled while my fellow workers had been intimidated into voting no on a union through straight out illegal intimidation by management). But should we ever decide to change our minds on organizing, I know that Pat would be one of the fiercest soldiers in the effort to join a union. Capitalism be damned, Pat wants the right to collective bargaining.

Fixing this shit really will be hard. But the solution is to get out and talk to people, in the real world. When you do that, you'll find that we all have more in common than one might think. And when we find that common ground, we'll be more ready to do away with our previous prejudices.

I just realized that this is the end of this post, and I haven't posted any picture to bring in people on social media. Well, here's a picture of Bill Haywood I guess.


Wednesday, May 22, 2019

When Therapy Helps

My apologies to those following this series for going so long without writing. It's been a very busy few weeks for me. I got hired full time at my job, had to deal with a kid with a flu, got sick myself, got injured, and just had a broken tooth removed. Haven't had much time for writing.

So let's get started. This post discusses chapters 9 and 21 of Johann Hari's book Lost Connections. These chapters discuss childhood trauma. And let me do the content warning that we leftists like to do: Child abuse, rape (although if you're a victim of either, this post might help as well. Feel free to make your own decision on reading).

I don't know too many people without childhood trauma. The world is fucked up like that I guess.

Johann Hari was abused by an adult in his life that wasn't his parents. He names one example of the abuse. He was strangled with an electrical cord. And for most of his life, he thought it was his fault. He was being punished for being bad, and he went most of his life thinking it was his fault that a grown ass adult strangled him. To quote:

Why do so many people who experience violence in childhood feel the same way? Why does it lead many of them to self-destructive behavior, like obesity, or hardcore addiction, or suicide? I have spent a lot of time thinking about this. When you're a child, you have very little power to change your environment. You can't move away, or force somebody to stop hurting you. So you have two choices. You can admit to yourself that you're powerless-that at any moment, you could be badly hurt, and there's simply nothing you can do about it. Or you can tell yourself it's your fault. If you do that, you actually gain some power-at least in your own mind. If it's your fault, then there's something you can do that might make it different. You aren't a pinball being smacked around a pinball machine. You're the person controlling the machine."
When I decided to start this series, I mentioned that I stopped seeing a therapist because they couldn't help me. Even they knew it. I went through two therapists in a year, and after a few months, both of them asked me point blank, "What do you get out of this?" Which is therapist speak for, "Why are you still coming here? I can't fix you." And they were right. They couldn't fix me because I had very good reasons for being depressed. I had real world problems that they weren't capable of solving.

But this is one of those times when therapy actually does help.

Studies were done on the subject, and it was found that when you talk about childhood trauma with a therapist, it definitely helps. Therapists are trained to be kind and compassionate when you talk about trauma, and that's what helps to make things better. To quote the book again:

"In a smaller pilot study, after being asked these questions [about childhood trauma], the patients were given the options of discussing what had happened in a session with a psychoanalyst. Those patients were 50 percent less likely to come back to the doctor saying they felt physically ill, or seeking drugs, in the following year.

So it appeared that they were visiting the doctor less because they were actually getting less anxious, and less unwell. These were startling results. How could that be? The answer, Vincent [the doctor that performed the experiment on talking about trauma] suspects, has to do with shame. "In that very brief process," he told me, "one person tells somebody else who's important to them...something (they regard as) deeply shameful about themselves, typically for the first time in their life. And they come out of that with the realization-"I still seems to be accepted by this person". It's potentially transformative.

What this suggests is it's not just the childhood trauma in itself that causes these problems, including depression and anxiety-it's hiding away the childhood trauma. It's not telling anyone because you're ashamed. When you lock it away in your mind, it festers, and the sense of shame grows. As a doctor, Vincent can't (alas) invent time machines to go back and prevent the abuse. But he can help his patients to stop hiding, and to stop feeling ashamed."
So therapy helps if you have childhood trauma. Speaking to someone who is kind and empathetic to what happened to you helps to alleviate your depression.

If you have past trauma in this matter, please make an appointment to see a therapist. They can help you.

I still have to put up a photo to draw in folks on my Facebook feed. So here's someone that faced some hardcore childhood depression. Motherfucking Arya Stark!



Thursday, March 28, 2019

Wanting Stuff Makes us Depressed

So, going on with Johann Hari's book Lost Connections, we have a chapter that might be hard to relate to, especially if you're struggling with money issues, but it's worth looking into anyway.

Chapters 8 and 19, the disconnection to, and reconnection to, meaningful values.

It's hard to imagine people talking about "meaningful values" nowadays without someone trying to sell you Jesus, and that's why I thought the title was weird when I began to read chapter 8. But, the chapters don't have to do with religion, but the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motives.

An intrinsic motive is something you do because you want to do it. You think it'll make you a better person. You learn to play an instrument. You learn how to be a better friend. You lift weights.

An extrinsic motive is something you don't want to do,, but you do to get something. You want money, recognition, sex, superior status, etc.

So we all have intrinsic and extrinsic goals. Studies have been done on the subject on extrinsic goals and happiness, and everyone of them says the same thing: Those that achieve extrinsic goals don't become more happy. If anything, they become more depressed.

For many people, the extrinsic goals is a manifestation of materialism. People who work to get the big house, the nice car, the fancy jewelry, they find themselves feeling depressed and anxious and they don't know why.

I thought of my dad when I was reading about this. My dad has plenty of money, and he spends it. Before he retired, he would take lavish vacations to Mexico with his wife every year. After he retired, he bought a luxurious motor home and they take cross-country road trips every year. Him and his wife have very expensive luxury cars. They live in a McMansion in a very well-off town. He also goes balls-to-the-wall every Christmas (as an example, my wife and I asked for a television for our bedroom and he bought us a 60-inch smart t.v.). My dad has spent his life chasing money and spent plenty to prove that he has it. If you wanted to envy someone with cash, he'd be it.

He also has a medicine cabinet full of antidepressants. He also never learned how to be a good dad or a good friend. He never really learned to be good with people at all. His "friends" were always his work subordinates, and after he retired, they retired him. And it pretty much goes without saying that his kids don't spend much time with him. When I do see him now that he's no longer working, he's lonely and miserable.

And then I thought of myself as a kid as I read more into the chapters. A lot of the chapters do focus on kids, as they make it a point to show how advertising warps our minds at an early age. A famous experiment they mentioned was one where they had two groups of toddlers. One group watched two commercials for toys. The second group wasn't given any ads at all. Then both the groups were told, "You're going to go play in a sandbox, and there's going to be two kids there. The first is a nice boy that doesn't have any toys. The second is a mean boy that has a toy truck. Which one do you want to play with?" The kids that saw the commercial decided that playing with the mean boy was better than playing with the nice boy. The opposite was true for the kids that didn't watch a commercial. So we're taught from an early age that material goods=happiness.

Two parts of the chapters really struck a chord with me. One of the people that was interviewed for the chapter decided to take his family out to the country, disconnect from all forms of materialism, and have mostly lived a happy life. His son was made fun of for his shoes at school. His son was confused by this, asking them, "Why do you care?" I remembered being in fourth grade and made fun of for my clothes. I also wondered why they cared.

When I was in the seventh grade, I became a lot more demanding of my parents to get me nicer clothes and better things, because I was tired of being made fun of for having clothes bought at K-Mart and wearing off-brand shoes. My mom was a single mom at the time, and she did her best to accommodate me. I remember her willing to go halves on me on buying a pair of the Shaq Shoes. Ah yes, The Shaq Shoes. The shoes to have if you were a teenager living in 1994.

These cost $120 twenty-five years ago
And I wanted a Starter Jacket. Starter Jackets, now remembered for being overpriced, overhyped shit, were so popular back then that people were actually murdered over them.

After I got both those things (thanks, mom), I got a few oohs and ahhs from my classmates, but after that, things went back to how they always were. And I didn't give a shit about either after a few weeks.

Fast forward to 2014. For the first time in my life, I have money to burn. I was working 70 hours a week and never seeing my firstborn or my wife, but I was paid. And I wanted to prove that I was paid. So I bought a camper and a brand new Jeep Cherokee. I didn't need either of these things. I already had a decent car that cost about $250 a month, but I wanted to show people that I had money, so I bought a car that cost another $200 a month, and a camper. Five years later and my car has 118,000 miles on it, I've had trouble making the payments (I was actually laid off from that job two months after buying both), and my wife and I miss tent camping. We always liked camping, just not in a trailer. Just like when I was a kid, there was a temporary high of getting the oohs and ahhs from people when I first bought them, but after a few weeks, I felt the same as before I bought them, except now I have an extra $400 a month in expenses.

When the wheels finally fall off of my Jeep, I'll probably just buy a Kia. They're ugly af, but they're at least affordable.

The chapters talk a lot about how advertising affects us and convinces us that buying stuff will make us happy. People that work in the advertisement industry have admitted for nearly a century that the goal of advertising is to make people feel inadequate without their product. Going back to the experiment above involving toddlers, it only took two commercials to convince them that the mean boy with the toy truck was better than the nice boy with no toys. We see way more than two commercials every day. We're told constantly that we're inadequate if we don't buy stuff. We have to work hard to defeat this mentality in ourselves, since we're bombarded with it several times a day.

Now don't get any of this twisted. I've already written extensively on financial distress and the toll it takes on mental health. There's a big difference between buying a big house because you think it'll make you happy and struggling to pay the rent. But we do need a reminder to be more focused on creating real human relationships and being better people than being focused on buying fancy shit.

It's one of the things that makes fitness so great for me. After I had bariatric surgery, I could have gone the route that many people take on their fitness journey and focus on the aesthetic-the extrinsic motivation. If I had gone that route, my fitness journey would have gone in an entirely different direction. I'd be hyper-focused on getting six pack abs, starving myself, and doing my best to make myself look good just to get the admiration of others. Instead, I decided to focus on meeting real fitness goals. I ran a half-marathon. I got started in power-lifting. Even now I'm on a diet not because I'm concerned with people calling me fat or whatever. I'm on it because I want to be healthy, and I don't want to go back to having diabetes and hypertension. I'm glad I chose the intrinsic path this time around. The extrinsic path would have resulted in demotivation, and ultimately, failure.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Two Weeks of Keto

Ahh yes, we're finally back to talking about dieting and fitness (I promise I'll write more on Lost Connections later). 

During my last depression wave, I drank alcohol constantly, ate like shit, and barely made it into the gym. Because of this, my weight went all the way up to 310 pounds and I started feeling the symptoms of diabetes once again. So instead of going on a calorie reduction diet or a carb cycling routine, I just decided it was time to cut out carbs completely.

I didn't really intend to end up on the keto diet. In fact, for the first few days I wasn't doing it. I was just not eating carbs. I didn't know there was a difference between the keto diet, a low carb diet, or the Atkins diet until I started looking up low-carb recipes online for meal prep. Going down that rabbit hole I learned the differences between the diets and that the keto diet isn't just a very, very low-carb diet, but it's also a diet with only a moderate amount of protein and a very, very high amount of fat. It was said that the body will learn to burn all the fat you're eating for energy in the place of carbohydrates. This is in contrast to the Atkins diet, which doesn't regulate fat or protein, but also can leave you feeling very tired throughout the day. Not a feeling you want to have when you're doing squats in the gym. So halfway through my first week, I decided to give this diet a go. The liver takes the fat and converts it into well, whatever's going to be used in place of the carbs. Glucose, maybe? I'm not sure. I don't feel like looking all that shit up again. Just trust me that the fats do the job.

Those that describe the keto diet weren't kidding when they said you have to eat a lot of fat. It's determined that for every calorie you eat of protein, you need to eat three times as many calories as fat. I figured that on the low end of my protein requirements, I probably need at least 200 grams per day Because one gram of protein is four calories, that comes out to eight hundred pounds. So, 800x3=2,400, so I need 2,400 calories of fat on this diet per day. Since one gram of fat equals nine calories, that puts me at about 266 grams a day, or 66 grams of fat per meal, spaced out under four meals. Regardless of what I eat, my carbs should be under 30 grams a day, and definitely never exceed 50 grams.

This has been easy enough to maintain, but it has caused me to spend an insane amount of time in the kitchen. It almost feels like I'm meal prepping, or adding food to my meal prep, on a daily basis. 

I heard on the news a few weeks ago that the keto diet is considered one of the least effective diets because it's so hard to maintain. Two weeks in and I'm wondering why people have a hard time staying on it. The large amount of cooking this diet has required aside, it's not like you're missing out on a lot of your favorite meals. There is a keto version of every recipe you could possibly think of.

There's dozens of different ways to make low-carb bread. Fathead dough, almond bread, keto hamburger buns, keto hot dog buns, keto pasta noodles, etc. That's just the bread part. There's a keto recipe for every type of comfort food out there that you would miss eating on a calorie-restrictive diet. Keto fried chicken, keto mac and cheese, keto breakfast sandwiches, keto pancakes, keto crepes...

keto biscuits, keto pizza, keto ice cream, keto birthday cake...
I did a search for "keto chocolate cake" yesterday just to see if my theory of "keto version of everything" held up. Sure enough...


The keto diet is like the internet's rule 34. If a recipe exists on the internet, there is a keto version of it.

But I don't think it's the lack of food options that makes one quit the diet. I think it's got more to do with the infamous "keto flu".

The keto flu is a brief stretch of time that usually takes place sometime between the beginning of the diet and the end of the second week. During that time, your body hasn't quite figured out that it needs to burn fat in place of carbs, so you start feeling weak and lethargic. I had this happen at the beginning of the second week, but it passed after a few days. If you can get past those few days and wait for your body to adjust, it'll be much easier.

I also haven't had any alcohol since starting this diet fifteen days ago. That's the longest I've gone without drinking since 2016. 

After the first few days of the diet, I felt really good because my blood glucose levels had stabilized, after what was likely a pretty continuous hyperglycemic state. I lost six pounds after the first three days. Then, no weight loss as the keto flu kicked in. Then, five days ago, I started to lose about a pound every day. I'm now down to 299 pounds. I have 29 more to go before I reach my goal, and since I'm planning on being on this diet for a total of 8 weeks, it'll be easy enough to do if current trends hold. 

I'm also working out five days a week. Since I went too long without going to the gm, I'm doing Starting Strength again until I can get my strength levels back up. I'm doing karate twice a week as well.

I plan on at least writing biweekly to track my progress.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

This is (Probably) why I'm Depressed, and Maybe why you are, Too

Going into the next section of Lost Connections, we dig into Chapter 7 of Johann Hari's book, titled, "Disconnection from Other People", and also the solution, which is discussed in Chapter 17.

Here's my photo for social media:


For years now, my wife has wondered why I'm always on Facebook so much. I didn't know the answer to that until I read this book.

Even before Facebook and other forms of social media, there were blogs. And I was hooked on them. Before that, internet chat rooms and USENET. Yeah, I'm showing my age. Fucking USENET, people. Back in the days when dial up modems were your only option, and it took fifteen minutes for a teenage boy to download a pic of a nipple.

But there was a brief period when I wasn't hooked on any of these. From about the time I was sixteen until the time I left the Army. Like many people, I used the internet to communicate with family when overseas (as well as meet women on dating sites for when I inevitably returned home, as I was single at the time), but other than that, the internet wasn't that big of a deal for me. I wasn't using it as some form of socialization.

In my early teenage years, in my days before karate and weightlifting, I was bullied a lot. Like, a lot. The internet was in its infancy and my mom got a computer with an AOL account, so I used that to socialize. It helped to deal with being an outcast in school.

In high school, things were dramatically different. I fell into a group of friends, I wasn't bullied anymore (because of the whole karate thing, mostly), so I didn't spend much time online unless it was to look up new bands or (hey, I was young, dammit!) to spend fifteen minutes downloading a pic of a nipple. Occasionally I'd look for martial arts wisdom as well. Nothing but using the internet for what it was intended. Looking up information and porn.

In the Army, you're forced to socialize. Privacy begins and ends when you take a shit in a bathroom stall. I'm not exaggerating. That's the only time you get to be alone. You're required to communicate with people. Because of that, you're also forced to make nice with all sorts of people as well. So the Army forces real life socialization.

Some time after leaving the Army, that changed for me. I started using social media more and more to communicate with people. Many of my best friends are on Facebook. The years passed and friends in real life drifted away, but my buddies online were always there.

And then I had kids, and I had no time to see friends in real life at all. And then my wife wonders why I'm spending all my time on Facebook, and I don't know. I just know that I don't want to be without it. Ever.

And now I get why I'm always on it, and why I'm constantly depressed. I'm lonely.

Before Hari starts talking about social media and internet addiction, he cites a scientist that studied the effects of loneliness on the human body. He found that feeling lonely causes the cortisol hormone in one's body to soar to the same level as being physically assaulted. As Hari put it, "It's worth repeating. Being deeply lonely seemed to cause as much stress as being punched by a stranger." It has the same effect on your health as being obese. It causes weakening of the immune system. It just sucks all around.

Not only that, but loneliness makes it even harder to make friends and break the cycle of loneliness. When you start to feel isolated, it causes you to to withdraw even further. It's a part of our evolution. If we're isolated, we begin to see threats much more easily, and often times when they're not even there. We feel insulted or judged when there was no intention to do either on the part of the other person. It's a cycle that causes more isolation and more loneliness. In fact, as the book says, for someone that has spent their life in loneliness and isolation, it takes even more love and respect from other people to bring them out of it than a more outgoing and social person would need. And that's a lot of emotional labor that most people don't want to spend on a stranger.

It wasn't just the creation of social media that caused this. Since the 1980s, there's been a steady decline of social engagement among society. Hari cites one example given by the researchers he interviewed: Bowling. In decades past, people would join leagues to bowl. Nowadays, the average bowler goes by themselves. Active involvement in community organizations fell 45%. 

So many of us have turned to social media as a sort of band-aid to deal with the lack of real-world socialization. But Johann Hari compares it to the difference between porn and actual sex. It creates a short term fix, but you need the real thing to be truly satisfied. Hari, when interviewing one of the first therapists for internet addiction, that we've become more accustomed to using the internet as a means of communicating with friends, but what we really need is face to face communication. The internet just isn't the same.

Hari outlined a solution in chapter 17. He talked to a therapist that told a story of a woman that came to him because she was depressed. She was very lonely. So he put her in an experimental program in which she would work with a group of people twice a week in a community garden. The people, who were all suffering from mental health issues, were to build a community garden entirely from scratch. They had to meet twice a week to learn how to garden, to plan the garden, and build the garden. The results were, well, I'll let Hari tell it himself:


So some of you may be wondering, "If this is why you're so depressed, why didn't you discuss this first?"

Well, I had to take the time to discuss how economic factors make people depressed because as I learned about social prescribing, I decided to look into it myself. Try to find like minded groups of people that I could meet up with. I'm still very passionate about politics, so I decided to look up my local DSA chapter to meet up with leftists and find people I have things in common with. I looked at things involving fitness. And I looked and I looked, until I realized, I don't have time for any of these things.

I work nights, and I work almost every weekend. Guess when most of these social gatherings take place? When I'm either stuck at work, or sleeping.

The workplace condition and the social decline in this country are intertwined. In the 1980s, a concept called "neoliberalism" began to take hold. It's what's commonly known as "trickle-down economics". It goes against human nature. We're tribal creatures. We learned to survive for millennia upon millennia by banding together in tribes and working together, but now our economic social condition teaches us that we're all on our own. We're supposed to be able to handle everything ourselves, and if we don't, it means we're weak. And so instead of banding together and demanding better working and living conditions as we did in the past, we try to do it all on our own. We hustle harder. We work longer hours and take the lower wage because we have no means to increase our wage, and that causes us to live at our jobs. We're socially isolating ourselves so that we can afford to pay bills and die. And when someone comes along and talks about a solution to work collectively to make things better, we're told it's just socialism.

I'm not one for conspiracy theories, but it almost seems like the people that pushed neoliberalism designed it with social isolation in mind.

Well, that starts to make socialism sound pretty good, doesn't it? I mean, you have one side that has embraced some of the absolute worst elements of capitalism screaming, "Fuck you! You're on your own! I don't care if you starve!", and then you have the socialists saying, "We should work together to make the world less shitty and make sure your basic economic needs are met." If millennials and generation z are starting to embrace socialism, the reason for that is pretty obvious.


Is Economic Instability Making You Depressed?

I've been trying to crank out a post every week on the subject of depression as laid out in the book Lost Connections. I missed last week, so I'm shooting for two this week.

Anyway, here's another pic for my post to social media:



Johann Hari titles this chapter, "Disconnection from a Hopeful or Secure Future", and it's chapter 12. He discusses the solution in chapter 22.

Hari mentions several examples of people that have lost a sense of a future. He starts by discussing a Native American chief before and after his tribe was forced onto a reservation, and the effects of it today. He talks about a study done that used both anorexic children and depressed children. And he talked about a personal friend working a shit job. The depressed people all had the same thing in common, and that's the lack of an ability to perceive the future.

My last post talked about how a lack of control over your workplace makes you depressed. This chapter discusses how not having a sense of a good future leads to depression. And how economic instability causes that.

While there were non-economic reasons given for this cause of depression, poor economic health is a major one for most of us, so that's where I'm going to focus this post, as many of us can relate to this cause, and the solution is also an economic one.

Towards the end of the chapter, Hari decided to meet up with an old friend from college named Angela. Angela was very happy and carefree in college. He described her as:

"One of those people who seemed to be doing everything at once—starring in a play, reading Tolstoy, being everyone’s best friend, going out with the hottest boys. She was like a firework of adrenaline, cocktails, and old books."
After college, she couldn't get a job because potential employers saw her as overqualified. Desperate for work, she took a job as a telemarketer. The job paid just above minimum wage. It had no set schedule. If she did poorly in sales, her hours were cut the next week. If she could get a full schedule, she'd have enough money to make lunches from chicken and take the bus to work. If not, she'd be forced to eat beans and walk. She would constantly be berated by her boss and powerless to fight back against him. It's the type of job that one only takes if they're extremely desperate for work, and too powerless to fight back against a boss that deserves to be taken out back and beaten with a metal pipe until dead.

Of course Angela was depressed. She, like many of us, lives a life of temporary personal survival that you have without any sense of financial security. She couldn't even take a vacation if she could somehow afford it, because she doesn't even know what her work schedule is going to be like. She couldn't envision any future outside of the current week because her job made it that way.

A lot of us are the same way. If you're financially insecure, you're in constant survival mode. You can't think long term, because you're just trying to survive to the next day, or at best, until the next paycheck. It's easy to understand how that much stress can cause mental health issues.

In chapter 22, Hari makes a case for what he thinks would be the solution. A universal basic income.

Hari talks about an experiment the Canadian government did in the 1970s. The government decided to give the population of a few small towns the equivalent of $19,000 in today's US dollars, no questions asked. The results were phenomenal in both improving the mental health of the population, and also helping people have the means to secure their own future. To quote:

"Depression and anxiety in the community fell significantly. When it came to severe depression and other mental health disorders that were so bad the patient had to be hospitalized, there was a drop of 9 percent in just three years.
...
It had another unanticipated effect, she told me. If you know you have enough money to live on securely, no matter what happens, you can turn down a job that treats you badly, or that you find humiliating. “It makes you less of a hostage to the job you have, and some of the jobs that people work just in order to survive are terrible, demeaning jobs,” she says. It gave you “that little bit of power to say—I don’t need to stay here.” That meant that employers had to make work more appealing. And over time, it was poised to reduce inequality in the town—which we would expect to reduce the depression caused by extreme status differences."
And contrary to popular opinion, it didn't cause the population to become lazy. While there was some reduction in hours, that time not working was spent being better parents to their kids. In other cases, it caused people to get an education so they could work at a job they wanted to be a part of, instead of being forced into working a shit job.

Hari noted that popular opinion keeps a universal basic income from being possible. Everyone knows that if they had more economic freedom, they'd use it to better themselves. You'd spend more time with your kids (if you have any). You'd go to school. You'd spend your free time volunteering. What you wouldn't do is stay home and watch Netflix all day. Unfortunately many people think that's what everyone else would be doing.

Now, I don't agree with Hari's ideas about a universal basic income, but that's because the numbers were crunched, and it would cause the U.S. national budget to double. It's simply not affordable. However, we can and should find ways to make sure that the basic needs of people are met regardless of whether or not they are gainfully employed.

We have four basic needs. We need food, shelter, education, and medical care. We should be finding ways to make sure that everyone has those basic needs met without forcing them to work. Everyone should have access to all of those things regardless of whether or not they are working. And before anyone says, "That just rewards laziness", look two paragraphs up. When the basic income experiment was done, people still worked. They'll still work because they want to, and also for one other reason:

Luxuries wouldn't be promised. We love luxuries, and all of us are willing to work for them. For some of us, having a kick ass, HDTV with a giant screen is a luxury we want. For others, it's an awesome vacation. For me, it's to have a membership at a good gym, another one at a good dojo, and plenty of time to put some hot lead downrange. All of that takes money, and none of that would be promised to me just because I didn't have to work to avoid starvation and homelessness.

I read this book about a year ago when I was still working as a security officer at an oil refinery. It explained very well why I was depressed. Not only did I hate the lack of control at my job (I was ordered to go to different places hourly, and all of my suggestions to improve the place went into the "deleted" section of my boss' email), but I had to constantly pick up extra shifts to make ends meet. For me, working 60 hours a week wasn't weird. It was just something I had to do. And I was depressed because of it. Now, I have a job that pays much more. I don't have to work overtime now. I'm staying home and doing dad shit.

When I talk to people about supporting programs that would eliminate the need to work for survival, I mention both the mental illness benefits of such programs, but I also talk about it in terms of freedom. Every day, millions of Americans go to work at jobs they hate and do it just so they can barely get paid enough to survive. This country talks a big game about freedom, but if you are forced to work to survive, you are not free. This is known as wage slavery, not to be confused with chattel slavery, which is in and of itself a horrific practice, but it's a form of slavery nonetheless. If our country is going to talk a big game about freedom, we need to find ways to make us truly free. The system of wage slavery needs to be abolished. Our country and our mental health will be better off as a result.