So, You're Having a Panic Attack...

So, you were just going about your business, and lo and behold, you start having the old familiar feelings set in. A sense of dread, your heart racing at a million miles an hour, and you start having some trouble breathing. Congratulations! You're having a panic attack!

Here's what you do:

1. Completely freak the fuck out! Everybody always tells you to calm down during a panic attack. Has that ever worked? Of course not. Fuck those fuckers. They don't know how to deal with this shit. Those stupid breathing exercises never help either, so don't even bother. Just completely lose your fucking shit, because you need to...

2. Understand that they're coming for you. Everyone is coming for you. Every bad thing you think is going to happen is going to happen. The Illuminati is watching you; the government is spying on you; the cops know what you did and they're coming to arrest you. Your boss is firing you because you smell funny. Your spouse is running away to join the circus, and your pets are conspiring to kill you! Russia is aiming nukes at your current location RIGHT NOW! What did you do to piss off Vladimir Putin? Fuck if I know buddy, but the missiles are a flying! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Because fuck you, that's why!

3. When you've realized how stupid all of that is, you'll realize that you're fine. Your life is fine (probably).

Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, and everybody's gonna die. Come watch t.v.