To say that it didn't go well is an understatement. David (called "Brenda", at the time), told his parents he felt like a boy, refused to wear dresses, and fought his brother to play with his "boy toys" of guns and cars while refusing to play with dolls.
I'll mention why I'm bringing this up in a bit.
A few years ago I first heard of the concept of "toxic masculinity", and what I read about it was originally in the context of teaching men why we need feminism, which made it easy to digest and didn't cause me to have a knee-jerk reaction of "How dare you say being manly is bad!"
The article explained that as men we're expected to do things that are awful. Not just awful to women, but awful to other men, and awful to ourselves. We're told to repress emotions. We're not allowed to feel sadness, fear, or well, pretty much anything other than joy or rage. This causes us to be unnecessarily aggressive towards people, and causes depression. Showing emotion is "girly". You're also not allowed to do "girly" things, like baking or cleaning the house.
That really struck a chord with me. For years I was suffering from depression and I didn't know it, because it manifested itself as anger. I was in the Army for most of my 20s, and you're not allowed to be sad in the Army. The Army doesn't issue you any tears, soldier! You're allowed to be angry, though. So I was a ball of rage for most of my adult life. This led to me being kind of a shitty person. Or as my wife once told me, "Yeah, you were kind of an asshole back then."
The article concluded by saying that we should be willing to embrace what is seen as "girly" to become better men. Be free to be sad sometimes. Do the fucking dishes. Bake some cookies.
I took that advice to heart. I work on trying to be more honest about my emotions, even when it puts me in a position of vulnerability. I've turned into quite the chef. I'm still a slob, but I'm working on it.
I also took the main idea of that article to heart. Men need feminism. When society truly sees women as equals, doing all that "girly shit" won't be seen as bad.
So the years have passed, and I'm working on being a better man. But there's something that has been on my mind for a while:
What is masculinity without the toxicity?
The left has really failed to answer this question, and I think that's a big reason why there's been a massive backlash to the new feminist movement.
I imagine that some folks are reading this and thinking, "Are you shitting me, Grasshopper? People are against feminism because they're sexist assholes! Are you trying to tone police us?"
Of course not. There's always going to be a sexist backlash to any feminist movement, and yet I think that a lot of that backlash could be dealt with if we had an answer to the question I've been asking myself: What is masculinity without the toxicity?
The left has done a great job at showing why being more, well, "girly", for lack of a better word, isn't something that men should be ashamed of, but they've failed at creating an idea of masculinity that doesn't have the toxic elements traditionally associated with being a man.
If you go on social media to search for "positive masculinity", you'll find groups, pages, and Twitter feeds showing men being good, decent people, but I'm often at a loss when I ask myself how their actions are masculine in nature. Yes, these men are doing good things, but I don't see how anything they're doing is masculine. The positivity part is there, but the masculine part feels lacking. What are they doing that could be different from a woman expressing femininity?
Oh, so you're saying we should have well defined gender roles? Geez, why not just start quoting Jordan Peterson while you're at it?!
No, that's not what I'm saying. What I am saying is that there's going to be traits and actions that men have and do to express their masculinity, just as women have and do the same to express their femininity. We need to start talking about how we men can express our gender identity without being toxic.
Which brings me back to David Reimer.
The man who was born a boy but raised as a girl hated being forced into his role as a female. He felt he was male. He wanted to do things that boys typically do. He didn't want to play with Barbie dolls. He wanted to play with toy guns and cars. No matter how much he was forced into a role as a girl, he knew he was a boy. He identified as a boy, and wanted to do the same stuff that boys do.
This is common with transgender people as well. A friend of mine recently posted a story on Facebook that revealed a study that showed that transgender people tend to have brain activity that resembles the cis-gendered people of the gender they identify with. We have scientific proof that gender identity is more than about physical attributes. We cis-gender men and transgender men have masculinity as part of our identity, and we need to know how to express it without the toxic elements.
So this isn't about gender roles. It's about gender identity, and how best to express that identity.
Expressing gender identity is different than gender roles. Gender roles dictate we must do things because we are a man or woman. Men are required to be stoic, angry, and be the bread winner in the family. Women are required to be passive, submissive, know how to cook, and raise children. Gender roles are limiting and lead to harm.
Expression of our gender identity, on the other hand, is when we choose to do things because we are a man or woman. We want to express our masculinity or femininity. This brings freedom and self-care. We need to have a conversation over what that means. We need to start talking about what it means to be masculine without being toxic.
However, I think we on the left are scared to have this conversation, because we're worried that we're going to be dragged.
The left loves to eat their own, and if you make even the slightest misstep in talking about gender, Leftbook and Twitter will fuck your world up. Nobody wants to be set up for being bullied and dragged through social media because they accidentally said something problematic. So having this conversation is scary. I'd be worried about it if my blog reach expanded anywhere past my friends on social media. Even so, I've spent several hours reading and re-reading my blog draft to make it clear that I'm not talking about gender stereotypes or gender roles. I'm saying that we need to start talking about how men can express themselves as men without being toxic. And I'm certain that despite my best intentions, I still fucked it all up somehow.
It doesn't matter. This needs to be said, because the right is having this conversation, and if I, a 37 year old feminist man is wondering what it means to be a man without toxic masculinity, I can guarantee that there's 17 year old boys that are asking themselves that. And if Roosh V, Jordan Peterson, and the Proud Boys are the only ones willing to have this conversation, we're going to have another generation of misogynistic, angry, and mentally unhealthy men to contend with.
There is, however, one place in all of the internet that I have found as a good source of information for wholesome masculinity. The Art of Manliness has been around for some time, and it provides a great resource for advice for men in a very non-toxic manner. It has advice for everything from basic things like how to make small talk or tying ties, to more complex things like parenting and relationship advice. And it does it without all the aggressiveness and false bravado that you get from toxic masculinity.
Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Let the dragging begin!
