One that almost always makes the list is Unsolicited Gym Advice Guy.
For me, that guy has always been at the top of my list. You're at the gym, minding your own fucking business, when some asshole decides he wants to come up to you and critique you on your form, comment on the ineffectiveness of whatever exercise you're doing, and otherwise try to tear you down. They're often annoying as fuck because you know they have no idea what they're talking about. On the rare occasions they do, you don't recall making an appointment with them to have as a personal trainer. You want that fucker to mind his own goddamn business.
I consider workouts like I consider masturbation. It's preferred to be done by yourself, cool if you brought someone along, but under no circumstances, do you want some stranger to stop on by and offer to help.
And that was back before I started lifting heavy. Back then, it didn't anger me so much as it did annoy me.
The past week my Unsolicited Gym Advice Guys weren't at the gym. They were at my workplace.
The first time, a co-worker wondered why I was lugging around a giant bag of protein. I explained that I eat protein shakes as a part of my diet. He decided to go into a big lecture on how they're high in calories, blah, blah, blah.
The second time was when somebody decided to bring in a couple dozen donuts for our crew to thank us for helping them out a few days ago when they were in distress. My boss (Boss 1) wondered why I wasn't taking one and I explained that I'm on a diet. I explain that I'm on a carb cycle because I'm trying to cut my body fat without losing muscle. He was with my other boss (Boss 2).
Boss 2: Have you tried cardio?
Me: No.
Boss 2: You should really do cardio. It's great for fat loss.
Me: (Stares motherfuckerly)
Boss 1: You picked a bad time to decide to go on a diet! It's almost Christmas!
Me: No argument here.
Boss 1 really gets no argument from me. I really did pick a bad time to start cutting. I might write another entry about doing that during the holidays.
But Boss 2 and the guy from scenario one have both confided in me a few months ago that they've never been able to bench press more than 200 pounds. In fact, both have said that they struggle to do more than 185.
Yeah, when I can bench press 80 pounds more than you, here's what you can do with your opinion:
What I wanted to say to both of them was, "Motherfucker, I can deadlift 315 pounds. Can you deadlift 315 pounds?" I already know the answer because they've told me. It's NO. I didn't say that, because I'm at work, and I also don't feel like being the dick that brings down their self confidence.
I'm aware of how arrogant this sounds. I don't give a shit. You've been reading this blog long enough to know that there are times when I'm having bad days at the gym, where I'm frustrated as hell at my lack of progress, and have flat out had epic fails in my fitness journey. I still have a long way to go to reach my goals, and I'm far from perfect. I've shared all my failings with you in the past and I'll definitely be doing it in the future. I'm no fitness god. But if some barely-lifting asshole decides to give me a bunch of advice that obviously didn't work for them, you can consider me fucking Globo Gym. Call me an asshole. I don't care.
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